When did I break?


I guess I'm just in one of my moods. Sometimes it happens. Usually around the time when my body becomes fertile, so I'm blaming the hormones. Most women take pills to control their cycles, but I don't, so now I can just feel my body calling out to someone. It does feel strange, this longing. Especially to someone like me, who strives to be in control of her body all the time.

I wasn't always like this. Now I feel emotionally shut off from the world most of the time, relying on my mind. I do remember times when I was a much warmer person. I used to have friends back then. I used to want to have friends. I sometimes ask myself, why I changed. When did I break?

About 4 years ago I fell in love. I confessed to him and he said the usual, my feelings were unreturned. I felt embarassed. I cried a lot. Maybe I broke then. My heart did feel like breaking at the time, but I just can't be sure. Ever since then love has not touched my heart.

I keep wondering if things will always be like this. Me, alone. A part of me just wants things to stay the same. Another craves change. And my hormones just want to have a baby. Doctors tell me that it would be good for my health. I'm also in the right age for it, but running out of time. 28 this year. Nearing 30. The clock is ticking. And I'm starting to panic. Is this panic?

I think of my life just going on the way it is now. Work, home, work, home. And endless cycle with nothing to look forward to. Maybe a career. Frankly, I'm not interested in a career.

Am I okay with living down my life like this? Not really. Still, I feel powerless to do something about it. I also have no idea how to change it. I have no clue how to meet men my age, or older. I never did date, so I have no idea how to do that.

I'm whining, I know that. I'm blaming the hormones. Stupid hormones.
I needed to write this out.

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