Personal Blog

It all started with the Hungarian community portal IWIW sending me some notes about mails I got there. They were just stupid chain mails, but since I had some time, I went to delete them. Then it occured to me to have a look at my old high school classmates, who I have in a group there. This year is the 10th anniversary of my graduation from there, so soon enough someone should start organising a get-together. If no one steps up until April, I'll start sending mails myself. So as I was looking at them, I noticed that quite a few names changed. We were an almost all girls class, so their names changed, because they got married. About 5 from the ones who I had there and were visibly married. Since there were only 14 in my class, that is quite a high number. And here I am, not even hoping to ever get married, or even be in a relationship. Coincidentally, two girls here started to talk about marriage and kids, I just had to join them. Then this guy brings in his two kids...

I guess I'm just in one of my moods. Sometimes it happens. Usually around the time when my body becomes fertile, so I'm blaming the hormones. Most women take pills to control their cycles, but I don't, so now I can just feel my body calling out to someone. It does feel strange, this longing. Especially to someone like me, who strives to be in control of her body all the time. I wasn't always like this. Now I feel emotionally shut off from the world most of the time, relying on my mind. I do remember times when I was a much warmer person. I used to have friends back then. I used to want to have friends. I sometimes ask myself, why I changed. When did I break? About 4 years ago I fell in love. I confessed to him and he said the usual, my feelings were unreturned. I felt embarassed. I cried a lot. Maybe I broke then. My heart did feel like breaking at the time, but I just can't be sure. Ever since then love has not touched my heart. I keep wondering if t...