Had another panic attack today

It wasn't the first, and probably not the last. I never blogged about it before, but I felt the need to write it down. Maybe it'll help. Maybe someone out there with the problem will happen upon this and decide to seek help.

There's a lot of stigma with this sort of a problem. You are judged to be weak, crazy, unstable. Perhaps a bit I am unstable, but I'm not weak. Some days my brain is screaming at me to not do regular stuff. Don't leave the flat, don't eat. Yet I have to do these, so I gather myself, and do them anyway. That takes more strength than I've ever known before this ordeal.

How did it start? It doesn't seem to have a trigger. I can't tell you one thing. It could have been something with an electric bug repellent that I tried that day. Or I was really sick and that changed something. Or I've been alone a lot, and feeling lonely. Nearing 30 and single. As you see, I really have no idea. All I know is that one minute I was fine, then was struggling for breath, heart hammering, sweaty, shaking, and I was sure that somehow I poisoned myself with the bug repellent. I even called the emergency like 5 times. They told me they won't come, I should go to a doctor in the middle of the night, by myself, feeling like I was dying. I begged, I was so scared. I had no idea what was happening.

It passed by morning, but left me feeling weak and sick. Maybe I was sick a bit, and that was the trigger.

It didn't repeat for months. Then I broke a glass bottle near some food that I was going to eat. I got obsessed with looking for shards. I had to throw the food out, and was panicking for hours. I didn't know that food would be connected to my panic attacks in the future.

Then I went to Rome. The plane left very early, and I hardly slept anything. I was panicking in my hotel room all day. I still didn't know what it was exactly. But being tired would be another trigger.

I'm not sure when I realised that I was suffering from anxiety. The attacks came more frequently, and I started to avoid certain foods. I started to think that my food was poisoned. Intentionally or not. Once I got the idea, I couldn't let it go. I broke down and told my mum when I realised that when I left home for my apartment in another city, I was paralysed with fear of having another attack and being alone. I realised I had to figure out a way to make it better. I struggled alone for a year. I couldn't do it anymore. It was just getting worse. I felt like such a loser. Like I was a disappointment again. I used to be this calm, together person, and I wasn't anymore.

I've never been completely healthy. As a small child I was sick a lot. It got better as I was growing up. Then they discovered that my brain was injured when I was born, and the reason why I always thought that I was awful when it came to physical stuff, was because my brain was injured, and it made coordinating my left side difficult. I also got a hip injury later, and that also caused permanent damage. My knees hurt because of that. After that, my thyroid glands stopped working, and I developed lactose intolerance. I was working around all of these, and it wasn't easy. Some even called me a hypochondriac. Maybe they were right, but I did have genuine problems. 

When the panic attacks were coming, it was another problem. One too many. I didn't want people to think I was crazy.  I tried to ignore it. Wasn't working.

So I broke down and told mum. That lead me to wanting to figure out how to find help. I realised I couldn't do it just by myself. So a couple of months later I started seeing a kinesiologist. It does help, but I know that it'll take a while.

Meanwhile, my food issues got worse. I realised that often when I heard bad news was over eating. My weight issues didn't help either. So for a month, I stopped eating anything that was a trigger. Sugar seemed especially bad, so I switched over to cane sugar.

I also stopped watching the news. Often the way people died made me think of ways I could die. For some reason on the news they never had interesting stuff, just accidents and stabbings. Not useful anyway.

I think I am getting better. I got down to my dream weight, and it boosts my confidence. Work sucks, but I'm going to do some courses that may help in changing my career. I also want to go work with weights, so maybe I'll meet some guys there.